Let’s say someone invented a device that could reduce the force of gravity from Earth’s gravitational field to, lets say, the gravity felt on the moon. Presuming we had some way to make sure our atmosphere didn’t fly away, do you think we should modify Earth’s gravitational field? Why (or why not)?

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I saw this brilliant video about one of the most, er, interesting aspects of barnacle physiology in a course taught by the illustrious (and ever-so-interesting) Dr. Paul Dayton. And in the 12 years that have passed since then, I have been fiendishly searching for a copy of this clip, waiting for it to finally make it’s way to youtube. And doublew00t: it has finally made it!

Call it what you will: a natural history of a species ubiquitous in the marine realm; a clever way to force the retention of random facts into the knowledge bank of oversexed, overstimulated college students; a skillful juxtaposition of knowledge, music and imagery that would be quite at home in a burlesque show.

But once you hear the line at 3 mins and 22 seconds, you will never be at a loss to remember why barnacles need tell no lies.

RANDOM FACTS:
Yes, relative to their size, the barnacle penis is the largest in the animal kingdom. Sure, they might be only a few centimeters long… but that’s 40x the size of the barnacle itself. In comparison, were a 6 foot tall man to be comparatively endowed, he’d need a pretty loose-fitting pair of pants to hold all 240 feet of his manhood. (Yup, I calculated that right. Feet. Not inches. Think about it.)

But not only is length impressive in the barnacle’s case: it also has the ability to adapt it’s length and girth in response to its environment. In calm waters, the length is more important, while length is traded off for girth in rough seas, where a long schlong might be more of a liability. Yup, those crazy marine biologists have actually tested the difference in reproductive success for different lengths and girths of the barnacle penis. And since they grow a new penis every year, they can be fairly flexible (pun intended).

RANDOM FACTS:
In case you’re wondering why this tradeoff might be made, put yourself in the place of a barnacle. Once you hatch, you’re a little larva swimming around in a big old ocean, where lots of hungry sea creatures are looking for a meal, so as soon as you can, you start looking for a place to take shelter. Once you find a good spot, you attach yourself to a rock and build your home to protect yourself from the big bad world. But a good spot isn’t always necessarily going to available be right next to another barnacle, let alone a barnacle of the opposite sex… so as a marvel of evolutionary luck, the barnacle developed the ability to not only go long, but to get new equipment if the environment requires. Brilliant!

So ladies, the next time you run into someone telling you he’s ‘got what you need’, put him in his place by telling him with a raised eyebrow, a bit of latina attitude, and one finger pointing to the sky “Honey, a tiny little barnacle got more of what I need than you do.” Because no matter if you’re talking about personality or masculine prowess, you’ll be speaking the truth.

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A note to those developing websites based on databases of scientific information aimed at engaging the public: enough with the acronyms.

Unless the acronym spells out something easily recalled AND directly related to the topic at hand – even if the acronym spells a commonly-used (but unrelated) word – it will likely be viewed as jargon.

As an example, a database containing information about marine organisms

• can be found at http://www.marinespecies.org/
• the “name” appears to be “WoRMS”
• the full title is the “World Register of Marine Species” (not all of which, by the way, are nemotodes, pognophorans, or other organisms that would commonly be referred to as worms that live underwater).

What problems does this lead to? Labeling the site with a term which really has a divergent meaning from the content of the site:

1. Requires more cognitive effort on the part of the user to perceive and understand why the site .
2. Decreases the user’s ability to directly relate the url to the site’s identity, making it more difficult for them to return later or refer others to the site.
3. Distracts the user from their intent: they must process a name which diverges from the url they have just entered or selected, determine if they have really reached the right place, then process why the site is called “Worms” when they think it’s ‘supposed’ to be about fish, corals, octopi, etc.

This is particularly true when all three terms are used interchangeably throughout the site – especially when the multiple terms are incorporated in the copy.

In toto, when these web-accessible ‘databases’ are in the early stages of development, every effort should be made to make the information not simply accessible to the public, but the information should be comprehensible by the public as well. Ideally, applications for funding used to develop databases which could be used by the public should consider including resources for consulting with an interaction/user experience designer to ensure that the resource is made as useful and accessible to as wide an audience as possible.

Why care about making your resources accessible to a wider audience? Nah, there’s no need to make your bioinformatics database to third graders… but there is a need to make the landing page useful. The website is one place where you control your message – no peer review, no words twisted by the media. A carefully crafted message will get across exactly what you want to say. And to understand what you do, the public needs to know not simply what you do, but why you do it. Your website is where you can tell them.

Science doesn’t exist in a vacuum – and if it continues to be practiced in a vacuum outside the reach of society, it will continue to diminish in relevance to the lives of those who ultimately foot the bill.

But the more people understand about science, the more they care. And the more they care, the more likely they are to support the sciences. Increased public support means more funding… and we all know that more funding means more knowledge you can derive… and the more good you can do.

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