I saw this brilliant video about one of the most, er, interesting aspects of barnacle physiology in a course taught by the illustrious (and ever-so-interesting) Dr. Paul Dayton. And in the 12 years that have passed since then, I have been fiendishly searching for a copy of this clip, waiting for it to finally make it’s way to youtube. And doublew00t: it has finally made it!
Call it what you will: a natural history of a species ubiquitous in the marine realm; a clever way to force the retention of random facts into the knowledge bank of oversexed, overstimulated college students; a skillful juxtaposition of knowledge, music and imagery that would be quite at home in a burlesque show.
But once you hear the line at 3 mins and 22 seconds, you will never be at a loss to remember why barnacles need tell no lies.
RANDOM FACTS:
Yes, relative to their size, the barnacle penis is the largest in the animal kingdom. Sure, they might be only a few centimeters long… but that’s 40x the size of the barnacle itself. In comparison, were a 6 foot tall man to be comparatively endowed, he’d need a pretty loose-fitting pair of pants to hold all 240 feet of his manhood. (Yup, I calculated that right. Feet. Not inches. Think about it.)
But not only is length impressive in the barnacle’s case: it also has the ability to adapt it’s length and girth in response to its environment. In calm waters, the length is more important, while length is traded off for girth in rough seas, where a long schlong might be more of a liability. Yup, those crazy marine biologists have actually tested the difference in reproductive success for different lengths and girths of the barnacle penis. And since they grow a new penis every year, they can be fairly flexible (pun intended).
RANDOM FACTS:
In case you’re wondering why this tradeoff might be made, put yourself in the place of a barnacle. Once you hatch, you’re a little larva swimming around in a big old ocean, where lots of hungry sea creatures are looking for a meal, so as soon as you can, you start looking for a place to take shelter. Once you find a good spot, you attach yourself to a rock and build your home to protect yourself from the big bad world. But a good spot isn’t always necessarily going to available be right next to another barnacle, let alone a barnacle of the opposite sex… so as a marvel of evolutionary luck, the barnacle developed the ability to not only go long, but to get new equipment if the environment requires. Brilliant!
So ladies, the next time you run into someone telling you he’s ‘got what you need’, put him in his place by telling him with a raised eyebrow, a bit of latina attitude, and one finger pointing to the sky “Honey, a tiny little barnacle got more of what I need than you do.” Because no matter if you’re talking about personality or masculine prowess, you’ll be speaking the truth.
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